Wednesday, 23 October 2013

A Loop (Prologue, part 1/2)

  Fuck it all. I'll try it again.

  'Try it again' - the name I've touted all year to myself for this, my third and final attempt at a blog.  Since I've started, become frustrated with and finally abandoned two digital notepads prior to this, the name seemed apt.  I'd decided to try one last time.

  Apt indeed.

  'Try it again', in case you've not realised, is just about the worst name you could possibly bestow upon a blog, or indeed any project in which there is any creative element or potential for creative insight.
  What it has taken me more than six months to understand is that in deciding to name a new blog - a final attempt at a blog - this 'funny', self depreciating name, I'd already totally given up on the idea of writing and to keep writing a blog.  Or more significantly and accurately, I'd willingly but unknowingly decided that spending so much time and effort on such an endeavor was not worth it.
  In naming a new blog 'Try it Again', I would have been simultaneously announcing both my intent and my defeat.  It was a name with a backdoor built in. A name with an escape pod primed and ready.

I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try again.  It's obvious from the name I've tried before. It'll be no great surprise when the posts cease and the blog is eventually deleted.  The important part is to be seen trying by others - it doesn't really matter whether I succeed or not.

  It's difficult to properly articulate just how ashamed of myself I was, once I'd comprehended just how dedicated I'd become to avoiding the mountains of hard work that awaits me.

  Winning may not be everything, but losing is meaningless.  Those who lose without ever really trying have no currency.  Not with me, not with anyone else.

  I've spent a great deal of my short life slowly and carefully constructing my own set of standards.  This, I believe, is an integral element to existing as a true individual, one that is set apart as much as realistically possible from any and all religious or social institution, or any such dogma that may be passed down by said institution.  Such as they are, I'll not dare list these standards here, or likely anywhere else.  My point is, I'm falling short of even my own benchmark.  Money isn't something I particularly value, nor is a large company of friends, a career to brag about, or a pointlessly powerful, clean car.  I'd acquiesced before I'd even started; that I care about.

I've been wallowing in apathy.

Fuck that.

Fuck it all. I'll try it again. 

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